I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
