You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
