I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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