I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
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