i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
do nipples grow back?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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