hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
