i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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