apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
