There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
We're facebook friends in real life
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
