Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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