I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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