i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
