Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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