Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
