I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
