I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
