I looked at my own cervix.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
