My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
