omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
