Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
