I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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