The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
