I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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