I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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