i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
