I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
