I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
