Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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