her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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