Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
