last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
