I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
