Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize