Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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