some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
