I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Two words: nipple clamps
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