On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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