You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
