I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
