pedialite and red bull = repair kit
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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