I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Im part way to drunk.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
