i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
