he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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