I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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