Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
