Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
