I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
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