We're like a lot better than the average bears
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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