Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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