Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
